the best part is falling
by forestandpen
Summary: Caryl fic - slightly drunk Daryl and Carol taking advantage by asking him questions - starts at the Hilltop between seasons 8 and 9 - will possibly/hopefully add to it in the future
1. one

Carol had seen Daryl leave the party earlier with a full bottle of wine. While he hadn't seemed upset by anything, she thought she'd go check on him anyway. Besides, she needed some fresh air.

She had made the choice not to drink with the others. Not necessarily because she thought they were in any danger, but because she wanted to be a help to anyone who might choose to overdo it. This group of people rarely got to relax and they tended to take full advantage of the opportunity when it came.

Also Carol had never particularly enjoyed the feeling of being drunk, especially when the next morning came.

She had to admit, it was nice to see everyone having a good time for once. She couldn't remember the last time they'd had access to wine and a reason to celebrate to go along with it.

The night felt amazing. It was early November. There was a chill in the air but she found it pleasant after being in the large group inside the house.

She climbed the steps to Daryl's trailer and knocked.

"It's open," she heard from inside. She opened the door.

"Hey," she said, walking inside."You alright?"

"Yep," he said and he seemed it.

"Mind some company?" she asked.

He shook his head and gestured for her to come sit. She closed the door behind her and walked to sit in the chair adjacent from where he was sitting on the couch.

She had been in his trailer once before for a few minutes. It was very minimal. A chair, couch, small coffee table, full bed and a stack of books beside it currently being used for a bedside table. It barely looked lived in, which didn't surprise her, knowing him like she did. The fact that he had even agreed to take a full trailer to himself kind of seemed unlike him. The Daryl she knew wasn't fond of walls.

She noticed he seemed incredibly relaxed, sitting with the bottle she had seen him leave with between his legs. She recalled only seeing a relaxed Daryl on less than a handful of occasions in her time knowing him. But never quite like this. It was obvious that he was more than a little buzzed.

He saw her watching him, looking more amused that anything. "Exactly how much have you had to drink, Daryl?"

"I've had enough," he smirked, taking another mouthful of wine.

She chuckled. "I see. Should I be concerned?"

"Nah, I'm alright."

"Alright."

"You ain't drinkin'" It was a statement rather than a question.

She shook her head, "Someone has to be in their right mind around here."

"That bad out there?"

She shrugged. "Not many have... restrained themselves."

"Probably stupid of us," he said, reflectively. "Just shows how much of our guard we've let down."

"It'll be alright," she said. "I mean, _I'm_ still sober."

He smiled, "Good point." She had been joking with him, but he firmly believed she could have easily protected all of the Hilltop on her own.

"Relaxing every once in awhile isn't a bad thing, Daryl," she said gently, wanting to reassure him.

He nodded, grateful that she didn't think badly of him for it.

"So," she broke in, changing the subject. "Would you say you're an angry drunk or a happy drunk?"

He scoffed at the question which made her giggle.

"I just wanna know what I'm in for."

"Depends on the situation," he said, eyes laughing.

"Ah... A wild card." Her gaze lingered on him. He didn't mind. The thought of being inebriated around Carol would have normally disarmed him. Having control of himself, especially where she was concerned, was very important to him. But tonight? Tonight he was feeling pretty calm in the situation.

"You know," he said, pushing his boots off onto the floor and propping his feet up on the table, "not many people get to see me relaxed... You should count yourself lucky."

She couldn't fight the smile breaking out on her face. "Is that why you left the party?"

He shrugged, smiling. "I can't let people start to think I'm happy and shit."

They both laughed.

"This is true," she said. "Since I've been given the privilege, maybe I should take advantage of this... relaxed Daryl."

She'd forgotten how much she enjoyed flirting with this man. He would always scoff, shake it off, tell her to stop. But she had a feeling he enjoyed it too.

"Yeah? How you gonna do that?"

She almost, almost told him exactly how she'd like to take advantage of him. Instead she just smiled, flirtatiously.

"Oh I don't know. Ask you a bunch of questions? I bet you'd be more honest that usual."

"You callin' me a liar?" he asked with a hint of humor, taking another swig from the bottle.

"Maybe honest wasn't the right word," she said thoughtfully. "Open... more open than usual."

"That's probably true," he said softly. He seemed to consider her idea. "Alright... I'm game."

She was kind of surprised with how okay he seemed with the idea of her asking him whatever might pop into her head.

"What do your tattoos mean?"

He laughed a little. "Nothin'. Not a damn one of them. Got every single one drunk." He shrugged a little, feeling a slight embarrassment, but trying not to show it.

She looked amused. "Here I was thinking they all had deep symbolic meaning."

He laughed. "Hate to disappoint you," he took a drink. "Hell, I'm pretty sure a couple had to have been dares. Probably Merle."

"You ever broken any bones?" The question came out of her mouth before she realized what a stupid question it was. Ed had broken her bones on several occasions as she was sure Daryl's father or even brother most likely had. Something he probably wouldn't want to talk about. But to her surprise his answer was no.

"Twisted my ankle something fierce once. Fallin' out of a tree."

"That does not surprise me at all," she said, laughing.

She couldn't get over how at ease he was. And how ridiculously attractive it was. She hardly ever saw the man smile, let alone laugh.

"What were you like as a kid?" she asked.

He took a small drink, thinking. "I don't know," he started. "Quiet."

"I was looking for an answer that was a little less blatantly obvious, Daryl. "

He chuckled. "I don't know," he said again. "Spent a lot of time in the woods. Spent a lot of time following Merle around. Tryin' to stay outta my old man's way." He shrugged. "Nothin' interesting."

She chose to be satisfied with that.

It felt good to talk to him. The two friends hadn't had a chance to really talk in a good long while. Even when she had tried to talk to him, it felt awkward and strained. She felt like the openness she had once had with him had thinned. She knew that a big part of it was her moving to the Kingdom, but if she were honest, she had felt separated from him for even longer than that.

At some point along the way, she had decided keeping things from him was easier than being completely honest. Safer. And she felt he had also decided this in his own way. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, she wasn't sure.

She thought back to the last time she had seen him. They had all been in Washington. Daryl had been quiet that whole trip. Even quieter than usual. He had seemed to avoid eye contact, reluctant to speak to her. Very different from the man in front of her now.

 _"Ah, the many faces of Daryl Dixon,"_ she thought.

She had feared his silence, had interpreted it as anger. He was the one person she couldn't stand to have angry with her, but she also couldn't blame him. Why wouldn't he be angry with her? She was angry with herself.

"You're really putting some thought into your next question," he interrupted her thoughts. "Makin' me nervous."

"Sorry." She smiled a soft smile. She decided to go ahead and ask what she wanted to know.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked softly.

He looked surprised and confused. "Why the hell would I be mad at you?"

She shrugged. "For leaving."

He was quiet for awhile before he spoke. When he did, his voice was gentle. "I ain't mad at you. You did what was right by you. Can't blame you for that."

She didn't feel she deserved his gentleness, but was soothed by his answer. She wished that she could somehow spill out all the words that needed to be said between them. His absence in her life was a pain that never quite left her and she never knew how to bridge the gap between them.

Daryl watched her face. He, of course, knew why she had thought he was angry. He had gone out of his way to keep distance between them during their time in Washington. He had told himself it was just because he didn't quite know what to say. Told himself it wouldn't even matter to her whether he spoke or not.

After the war with the Saviors, she had vanished back to the Kingdom and it hadn't really surprised him. She seemed pretty close to that Henry kid and he assumed maybe she was just there to help him out. He himself hadn't been in the best of places then, so he couldn't really blame anyone for keeping their distance from him, even her.

But in the months that followed, when he would visit the Kingdom for trades (really just an excuse to check up on her), he felt there was a fondness growing between Carol and Ezekiel. A fondness that he started to fear might be the real reason behind her leaving the Hilltop.

He had yet to see true evidence of them being together, but there was enough suspicion in his mind that he decided it might as well be true.

She'd been quiet for awhile. "Was that all you wanted to know?" he asked.

"Probably not," she paused. "How are things going for you here?"

He shrugged, "They're alright. Place still feels kind of weird to me. But more of a home than Alexandria ever was."

She nodded. "It was hard to be who we were there," she trailed off, realizing how true what she said was. Both separately and together, they had felt out of their skins in those perfect houses. He had tried to fight it, but Daryl always felt he was a moment away from someone telling him he didn't really belong there. And Carol had had to adopt an entirely different persona to stomach how much her life in Alexandria reminded her of her life with Ed. All of the lying and hiding behind the perfect facade got to be more than she could take.

"You feel at home in the Kingdom?" he asked.

"I suppose," she answered. "I feel useful there. Needed. Kind of like the prison... with the obvious advantage of it not being a prison."

"That's good." He knew she needed that. To be needed. Useful. "They're lucky to have you."

She met his eyes. They were soft, almost sad. Again she felt the pull to apologize. The feeling that she had single-handedly ruined the friendship they once had.

She decided to lighten the mood and even the playing field a bit. "Have any burning questions you've been dying to ask me?" she asked flirtatiously. "I mean, I'm sober, but I figure we should play fair." She smiled at him.

He played along, leaning back on the couch. "Hm... what to ask Carol..."

He smiled and she giggled. Hearing her name on his lips was such a rare occurrence. She relished the sound.

"You got any tattoos?" His eyebrows went up like his mind could only be hoping she had something tattooed in an unmeantionable place.

She shook her head no.

He shrugged like he was slightly disappointed and she giggled.

He took another sip. "What were _you_ like when you were a kid?" he asked softly.

She took a deep breath. "Trouble."

They both laughed. "Yep," he said. "I figured as much."

"I was loud and rebellious and ran around with the boys." She shook her head. "My mother hated it. Said it wasn't ladylike."

"Eh, ladylike is overrated. Pretty much useless now anyway."

"That is very true."

He was quiet for a bit.

"You didn't ask if I'd ever broken anything."

He looked thoughtful. "I figured you probably didn't wanna answer that."

"Thank you," she whispered. The man never failed to surprise her. He seemed so gruff and harsh on the outside but he really was the most considerate man she'd ever known. At least towards her anyway.

"I have to say, Daryl, those weren't very original questions. Do you have any of your own?"

He chewed his bottom lip and thought. For reasons unknown to him, his mind drifted back to the prison. To that very first night there. Standing on that bus in the yard felt like it might as well have happened in another lifetime. He thought of that night often. Maybe because of Carol. Maybe because life had somehow seemed simpler back then.

Several times over the past few years, he had wondered what would have happened if he had taken her up on her offer to "screw around". She had been joking, of course. He knew that. But he had felt there was a glimpse of something more serious underneath her laughter. Maybe he should have asked then. He wasn't even sure how he would ask such a question at this point. And would the answer even matter? Now that so much had happened since that night?

"It ain't important," he started. "Just something I've wondered."

"Okay."

He chewed his lip a bit and decided to go with it. He could always blame the wine in the future. "You remember that first night at the prison?"

She nodded, remembering like it was yesterday and a million years ago all at once.

He started to chew on his finger thoughtfully. "You asked if I wanted to screw around..."

She bit her lip as heat immediately flushed her face. "Yes."

He laughed softly at her reaction. At the awkward moment that he had created. Thank God he was drinking.

"What would you have done if I had said yes?"

She blushed again, still chewing her bottom lip. She felt a bit embarrassed. She had always wondered if Daryl ever thought about that night. Apparently he did. "Honestly?"

He nodded.

She continued to chew her lip while she thought of how to answer. He watched her lips, a warmth spreading through his body. He blamed the wine, not her mouth.

"I would have been surprised..." she looked down, fidgeting with her hands, "... but I can't say I would have backed out."

He tried (and failed) to keep a grin from spreading across his face by looking down at the bottle in his hands.

She giggled, also looking away. She suddenly felt overly warm. She covered her mouth, trying to regain her composure. "It's probably for the best," she said. "Friendship and all."

"Yeah," he nodded, his face thoughtful. "I think it's your turn now."

Carol took a breath and tried to think of another question. Maybe one that wouldn't make her blush quite so much. Her mind was on the prison. Her newfound freedom from Ed had brought out a strength and confidence that she had thought had left her forever. It had been intoxicating. She had started flirting with Daryl simply to get a reaction out of him, to make him uncomfortable. She found that he was unbearably cute when he blushed.

Even back then she knew he would never have taken her up on any of it, even if he had been interested. She hadn't completely understood why. He seemed to watch her when he thought she wasn't looking, but he would never do more than that. Over the years, she'd grown to understand the control Daryl needed over his environment. She respected it.

Time had passed and life had become a bit too serious for her to even want to casually flirt with anyone. And Daryl had become way too important to her for her to risk what they had all so she could possibly make him blush. She had wondered at times if there had ever been a woman who _had_ made him relinquish the control that seemed to be at the center of who he was.

"Have you ever been in love?"

It wasn't a question he had expected, but his face didn't show any surprise. "I might have been..." he answered. "Once."

"What was she like?" Carol asked.

"Strong... smart... brave... terrifying." He looked directly at her, "Sexy as hell."

She blushed fiercely and cursed herself. _"It isn't like he's talking about you, woman!"_ But just his voice saying "sexy as hell" made her warm all over. She couldn't help but wonder what kind of woman could make him talk like that.

She willed her face to calm down. "Did you ever tell her?"

He scoffed, like the very idea was ridiculous. "No."

"That's a shame," she said, before she really knew why. She liked the idea of Daryl loving someone. Of him being happy. Relaxed. Cared for. He deserved that.

"I ain't so good at that kind of thing..." he said, looking at his hands.

She smiled like she had some funny secret. He narrowed his eyes at her. "What's so funny?"

"When did you lose your virginity?"

He laughed, blushing, and shook his head. "Gettin' down to the good stuff, are we?"

She laughed in response.

"I was 16," he said, "much to Merle's judgement." He shook his head. "Merle would have had everyone believe he lost his at 10. Which is a fuckin' lie."

She laughed again. "Oh, Merle. What was _he_ like when he was a kid?"

"He was an asshole," he said, chuckling, taking another sip.

He looked up at her. "What about you?"

"What _about_ me?" she replied, sassily.

But Daryl wasn't put off. If he had to answer all these damn questions then she did too.

"When did you lose yours?"

She bit the inside of her cheek. "I was 17... and stupid."

He smiled. "You ever been in love?" he asked.

She sighed thoughtfully. "Oh, there were a few guys in high school that I thought I loved... a neighbor when I was growing up... he was _way_ too old," she giggled, and all he could see was how her eyes lit up when talking about her youth. It made her so damn beautiful that he could hardly stand it. He had a very strong desire to ask her how many of those high school guys she had slept with. But he didn't.

"Did you love Ed?"

Her eyes became clouded and she looked down. He almost regretted asking, but she answered before he could take it back.

"I thought I did... in the beginning. I think I loved the idea of someone wanting to marry me more than anything else." Her voice sounded far away to her ears. She was quiet then.

Daryl noted that she hadn't mentioned Tobin. Or Ezekiel. He didn't ask. Neither relationship was any of his business. But that didn't stop him from wondering if Carol had been to bed with either of them. Why was he suddenly so interested in her sex life? Where was his mind? He blamed the firelight... the wine... her eyes... the curve of her neck...

"Pretty deep in thought over there, Dixon. Am I losing you?"

He blushed a little, "Nah, I was just thinking of that asshole husband of yours. How he didn't deserve you."

She smiled at him appreciatively. "It all had a purpose," she said. "Made me stronger. More able to survive all of this shit."

He nodded. He supposed that was true.

A comfortable silence fell between the two of them. He watched her with soft eyes and she let him, trying not to wonder why. There had been so many times in the past when Carol had caught the man watching her. Sometimes out of the corner of his eyes, but most of the time not. At times the intensity of his stare had overwhelmed her and she had wanted to ask him what on earth he could possibly be looking at.

"It's your turn," he prompted, breaking her thoughts. He himself enjoyed the silence, but he worried the lag in conversation might cause her to leave. He felt like this might be the only time he would ever have with her in a moment like this. Him feeling open, no one to fight, no one to fear, no giant wall between him and the world. He was reluctant for any of it to end. He felt almost certain that if he let her walk out his door he would never see her again.

"Do you ever get lonely?" she asked without thinking. She too was feeling the heaviness of the night. The now or never. The need to continue speaking to him overrode her fears of what she might say next.

He seemed to give the question serious thought. "I don't know..." he finally said. "I figure what most people would call lonely is really just what life has always been for me. I've never really known any different."

"Hm." She stared at him thoughtfully.

"What?" he asked.

"I just can't decide if that's heartbreaking or if you're lucky."

He shrugged, "It's just how it is," he said, like it was completely acceptable that he had never known anything but loneliness.

She was quiet, wishing for the thousandth time since she had met the man that life would have been kinder to Daryl. He deserved so much more than anyone had ever given him.

He saw that his answer seemed to have made her sad. He leaned his head back on the couch. He had to admit that his comfort was quickly turning to drowsiness. When he spoke, his voice was low, husky. "Are _you_ lonely, Carol?"

There was her name on his lips again. She was torn between the warmth working at the base of her spine and the quivering of her lips. She couldn't meet his eyes. The truth she wouldn't speak was that sometimes she was so lonely she felt it would rise up and swallow her whole.

"Sometimes," she said softly.

He felt a strange urge to pull her over to him, to wrap his body around her and prevent her from ever hurting again.

"Hey," he said, his voice slow and heavy. She looked up at him and he patted the space next to him on the couch. "Come sit with me."

She got up slowly and moved to sit down with him, their arms barely touching. His head still leaned back on the couch lazily. She could tell he was getting sleepy.

"I don't want you to be lonely," he said, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. His voice was barely a whisper.

She felt a heat move in her belly, the same one she always felt when he spoke in that deep, husky whisper. She had to admit it was insanely sexy. But there was also a sadness in her that threatened to break with the words he spoke. She could have easily let it turn into genuine sobbing, but she wouldn't.

She could feel his eyes on her. She sighed and mimicked his posture, leaning his head next to his and propping her feet up on the table.

Daryl wasn't really thinking about what he was doing or saying and it was quite a relief. He was constantly questioning everything. Constantly on his guard. It was fucking exhausting and it felt really good to lower his defenses. Now if he could just get her to lower hers.

He moved his hand, turned upward, and placed it on her knee. An invitation.

She took an audible breath that he interpreted as hesitation.

"Don't worry," he said, his words were soft. He'd turned his face to her and she felt his breath as he spoke. It made her insides shiver. "I ain't tryin' to make a move on you."

There was humor in his voice and she giggled quietly. She slowly placed her hand in his, interlacing their fingers. How could something so simple feel so complete? Like all of the shit in this world could be erased simply by holding his hand. She felt like she was holding her breath, terrified that exhaling might shatter the fragile moment.

He on the other hand felt strong, secure, sure of himself. He didn't know if it was confidence or the wine (and honestly he didn't really care). For once he felt like he might actually have a chance to make something happen with Carol. He couldn't even remember how long he had wanted that. Since he first met her probably.

He let his thumb move back and forth over hers. Gently. She waited, wondering if he would take this somewhere. Or should she?

They sat there together for what felt like a long time to her. Daryl, despite himself, had become so relaxed next to her that his eyes were becoming heavy.

Carol debated whether she should stay or leave. She was quite tightly wound and could tell nothing was going to happen here other than Daryl falling asleep.

She sat up slowly and his head jerked up, "Hm?"

She laughed, released and patted his hand, "You're falling asleep, sir."

He stretched lazily. "No, I ain't."

She laughed again as she stood. "It's okay. You should sleep."

He made a sound that was damn close to being a whine. "I ain't even tired."

She laughed a little harder, "I swear you're a four-year-old sometimes."

He scoffed.

"You may not be tired," she said. "But I am."

"Alright," he said, slowly standing.

They both walked towards the door and stood there, her back to the door. She was very aware of how close he was to her.

"Just know though... that I don't want you to go..."

His voice sounded so earnest and sincere that she felt herself begin to tear up again. Why the hell was this guy always making her want to cry?

"Well, you _are_ drunk, Daryl," she said quietly.

He broke into a smile that almost broke her heart, "That is very true." He chewed his bottom lip, almost like he was considering saying something more. He decided against it whatever it was.

"Goodnight, Carol."

Her eyes were soft and warm and damn did he want her to stay. But she was right, he was drunk and felt like he could barely keep his eyes open while standing. She deserved better than him trying to make a move on her in this state.

"Goodnight, Daryl," she whispered and she walked out the door.

He watched her walk all the way to the big house where she would be sleeping tonight and she felt his eyes on her the entire time.

Daryl fell asleep not long after she left, heavy and hard. But Carol barely slept at all. She kept having to stop herself from getting up and going back to him, finding out exactly why he had wanted her to stay. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something about the night had wound up something in her heart and the more she thought about it, the tighter her chest felt.

She finally did find sleep in the early hours of the morning. Her dreams were warm, filled with his husky voice and the feel of his hand wrapped around hers.


	2. two

In the morning, Carol woke to a loud bump against her door.

"Shit," someone who sounded like it might be Tara whispered loudly. "Sorry."

It took a minute to remember where she was. And why Tara was bumping into her door. As the events from last night came back to her, she could only assume Tara was hungover. She had actually still been drinking in the living room with Rosita, Aaron and Jesus when Carol had gotten back to the big house. None of them had even noticed her coming in. She had no idea when any of them had gone to sleep.

She stretched, yawned and stretched again, willing herself to get up. She had slept maybe three hours and was still very tired. But she'd never been able to sleep in much, so three hours would have to do.

She threw the covers off of her and sighed. She took her time making the bed and then changing, her mind working through everything that had happened the previous night. She felt silly for letting Daryl's behavior affect her so much. His "I don't want you to be lonely" and "I don't want you to go." It had all made her feel so very lonely, filled her with a longing that she hadn't felt since the night he'd come to see her in the Kingdom. _He was drunk last night, Carol. It_ _was the wine,_ she told herself now. _Nothing more than that._ _Nothing to get so worked up about._

She glanced in the mirror that hung above the dresser in her room. She'd begun to think of it as hers only because it was the only room she'd ever stayed in at the Hilltop.

Her reflection seemed older lately. Which perfectly matched how she'd been feeling. The time of peace the communities had experienced since the war with the Saviors had given everyone a chance to breathe, which she was grateful for. But it also gave her a lot of time to think and she was trying to come to terms with the last few years of her life. It seemed like the more time she had to work through everything, the older and more worn she felt.

She touched her hair briefly, wondering if she should cut it. There were times it really did look quite wild, something she wouldn't have even thought about a few months ago. But maybe it was time to start caring about those types of things again. Part of her still liked the rebellion of growing it out. Ed had always forbidden her to have long hair, accusing her of trying to get another man's attention. She'd finally given up and kept it super short just to avoid his anger.

She gave her reflection another glance and headed to the kitchen. On her way, she passed the living room where Tara and Rosita were passed out on two of the couches. She was fairly certain Maggie had given them both rooms but she wasn't really surprised they hadn't made it back to them.

Maggie was already in the kitchen making coffee.

"Morning," Carol greeted the younger woman.

"Good morning," Maggie returned. "Coffee?"

"Please."

Maggie poured a cup and handed it to Carol.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Carol asked.

"Exhausted," Maggie answered, smiling.

Carol smiled back, sipping her coffee. Maggie was carrying quite the belly these days, only a month and a half from her due date. Pregnancy suited her. She did look tired, but she looked happy too. Carol felt a pang of loss at the thought of Glenn, at all he was missing. She quickly pushed it from her mind.

"I went ahead and brought in the eggs," Maggie continued, nodding to the full basket on the counter. "Gracie was up at the crack of dawn and I knew Aaron was in no position to take care of her. So we went for a walk."

"She back asleep now?"

Maggie nodded and yawned, "Thankfully. I forgot the set of lungs that girl has." Her hand moved to her belly. "I don't think I'm quite ready for all the crying and sleep deprivation that's headed my way."

"Maybe yours will be more like Judith," Carol suggested. "That girl never made a sound."

Maggie crossed her fingers. "One can hope."

"Why don't you go lay down?" Carol said. "I'll start the eggs."

A look of gratitude crossed the pregnant woman's face. "Thank you."

Carol nodded as Maggie left the room. She grabbed a bowl and began cracking the eggs. Cooking was such a mindless activity for her that she found her mind wandering back to Daryl, despite all her efforts not to.

She wasn't quite sure how she should act around him this morning. She wondered how much he would remember about their conversation.

She played the whole evening over in her head as she stirred the eggs on the stove. His words, his smile, his hand in hers. He had been so at ease, so... himself. As much as she loved the man as he was, it just made her think of who he could have been had his life been different. It was a shame it couldn't always be that easy to talk to him. She was sure that when she saw him all the tension and awkwardness would be back, and it hurt her.

Maybe that was why she felt so lonely this morning. Seeing him the way he could have been made her wonder how _they_ could have been. He had _flirted_ with her last night, had held her hand, had talked to her in that maddeningly seductive voice of his. If he was always that relaxed, maybe he would have already made a real move on her. Maybe they would actually be together by now.

She sighed. There wasn't a whole lot she could do about it. She couldn't very well force the man to relax. And she really did love the man the way he was, complexities and all.

She turned off the burner and scraped the eggs into a serving bowl. She placed a towel over the bowl and moved them to the oven to keep them warm.

She took another sip of coffee and looked out the window that faced the Hilltop's gardens. There were a few people out working, which was good. She was glad to see that not everyone was hungover.

Carol decided she would do her best to act normal around Daryl, give him the option to pretend nothing had happened. She wouldn't bring it up if he didn't. No reason to make it weirder than it had to be. No matter how Daryl may or may not feel about her when he was drunk, sober Daryl would most likely be just as awkward and quiet as he ever was.

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Daryl woke up with a groan. His head hurt. His eyes hurt. He couldn't remember why. Or why the sun was already up. He never slept past sunrise, preferring to wake in the hours just before when the world was still dark and quiet.

He lay in his bed, looking up at the ceiling, confused. Bits and pieces of the night returned to him as he lay in bed. Jason, a man who had been with the Hilltop since the beginning of the war, and Allison, a woman originally from Oceanside, had gotten married yesterday. The community had used the excuse to have a big feast and the celebration had continued on into the night. Maggie had brought out the wine they had salvaged from a vineyard raided earlier in the month. Spirits were up, the few instruments owned had been brought out, people had even danced.

Daryl remembered all of this clearly. Once the wine had come out, he'd chosen a bottle all for himself and retreated to a wall to observe the celebrations. He knew basically nothing about wine, but the one he'd chosen tasted alright and he never had been too picky about alcohol to begin with.

At some point, the room had begun to feel too loud and too small. The bottle in his hand was empty. He wanted to be away from the noise, and all the people. Besides, Rosita was giving him the eye from across the room and even though it had been a lifetime and a half since he had gotten laid, that was not a road he wanted to go down.

On his way out, he grabbed another bottle of wine. It was considerably cooler outside and much easier to breathe. He decided to go ahead and walk to his trailer. No telling when this wine was going to catch up to him and he wanted more space between him and the others.

He remembered getting comfortable. He remembered Carol coming by. That was when things started to get fuzzy. He groaned again and sat up in bed. Carol. That couldn't be good. He remembered her walking in but he didn't exactly remember her leaving. From the looks of his coffee table, he had finished that second bottle at some point. He did remember Carol saying she wasn't drinking, which meant she hadn't helped him finish it. Two bottles of wine? He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he could erase that decision.

He was certain all they had done was talk (he _was_ still fully dressed, thank God), but even _that_ made him nervous. He hoped he hadn't made a complete ass of himself in front of her. Or worse, been rude or angry. That was all he needed with the way things already were between them.

His head was pounding. Trying to remember things was not helping. He felt like shit. Their friendship was already barely there anymore in his mind. He never knew what to say to her or how to act around her or if she even wanted him around at all. And now he had gone and gotten drunk around her.

He ran his fingers through his hair and sat with his head in his hands. He had never once done anything smart when he was drunk.

He needed food. And coffee. And they were both in the big house where Carol was (unless he had done something so bad that she had already left just to get away from him). He couldn't very well stay in his trailer all day, no matter how much he wanted to.

He was embarrassed. _"This is going to be bad... but you gotta_ _face it,"_ he thought, and forced himself out of bed.

Thankfully it was cloudy outside. Full sunlight would not have helped his headache.

Life outside was quieter and slower than usual. Daryl figured he wasn't the only person hungover this morning. There were only a handful of people out. A couple of them waved at him as he passed. He nodded in return, not stopping to talk. All he really wanted to do was crawl back to his trailer and sleep. But he knew he wouldn't get away with that no matter how shitty he felt. There was still quite a bit to do at the Hilltop before winter set in.

He climbed the steps of the big house. As he walked through the door, he was hit with the strong smell of coffee and the fainter smell of eggs. His stomach growled and all but pulled him towards the kitchen.

God bless whoever had made breakfast, probably Carol. Walking into the kitchen, he saw that it was her. Of course it was. She was always taking care of other people. Even now when she was technically a guest here.

He watched her move from the doorway, chewing his bottom lip. Despite his vocal stomach and desperation for caffeine, he felt frozen where he stood. He wasn't sure how to even say good morning, not knowing how they had left things last night. He wished he didn't have to deal with this while his head was throbbing. He felt tempted to turn around and walk back out. But then she turned and saw him.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Morning," she returned. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been worse," he awkwardly answered, still chewing his lip. He couldn't seem to stop himself. He felt strange in her presence. Exposed. Like he wasn't quite sure how much of himself she could see.

"You want some breakfast?"

He nodded and she went about the kitchen getting him a plate and cup, grateful for something to do. It was just like she'd thought. Old Daryl not knowing what to say and feeling uncomfortable. She felt flustered. Upset. Like her heart might pound out of her chest and she might throw up or cry. All at the same time.

He studied her while she moved, trying to get a feel for how she was towards him. She seemed nervous, which he hadn't expected. Angry? Sure. Teasing him for something he'd said or done? Absolutely. But nervous? He wasn't sure what to do with that.

She turned back to him with a timid smile, and handed him the plate and cup. He found himself unable to fully meet her eyes.

"Thanks," he said quietly. And when she nodded, he turned and left the room.

Carol breathed a sigh of relief. She stood in the middle of the room trying to get ahold of herself. _"So much for being normal,"_ she thought, hoping she hadn't seemed as weird to him as she had to herself.

Daryl sat alone in the dining room, taking small bites of eggs and sipping his coffee, hoping it would lessen the pounding in his head. Hoping even more that he'd be able to keep it down. Not having regular access to alcohol these past few years had made him such a fucking lightweight.

He tried to put a finger on Carol's behavior. While their friendship had at times been strained and awkward, he couldn't remember her ever being shy and unsure of herself around him like she had been just now. Maybe that time he had found her in that little house outside the Kingdom.

He slowly finished his breakfast, rolling the whole thing around in his head. He was sure more of the previous night would come back to him as he worked. _"Or you could just ask her,"_ he thought and inwardly scoffed at the idea.

He would just have to figure it out later. His headache had mixed with a bit of nausea that was stronger any time he tried to use his brain.

When he returned to the kitchen with his dishes, Carol was gone. He felt kind of relieved and instantly hated himself for it. He washed and rinsed the plate and cup, placed them on the laid out towel to dry and got the hell out of there.

When Carol got back to the kitchen, she saw that he'd finished, cleaned his dishes and left. Looking out the window, she could see him walking out to the outer fence.

She felt sad to watch him go and started wishing she was back in her own little house, away from all these uncomfortable emotions. She almost wished their conversation last night hadn't even happened... almost.


	3. three

Carol sat at the small table in the kitchen, drinking coffee and watching Daryl work by the outer fence. She didn't hear Maggie come into the room until she had pulled out the chair across from her.

She jumped slightly. "Well, that nap wasn't long," she said, taking in the tired woman.

Maggie shrugged, awkwardly sitting. "Some days I just can't get comfortable."

Carol nodded sympathetically."I'll make you some tea," she said, getting up.

"Thank you."

While Carol made the tea and refilled her coffee, Maggie looked out the window. She noticed it had a perfect view of Daryl. She doubted it was a coincidence that she had caught the woman staring out.

Carol brought over the tea and some eggs for Maggie. They sat in contented silence while Maggie ate. She had to admit that she appreciated the older woman's presence at the Hilltop. While Enid was endlessly helpful to her, she was still so young. And it was comforting to have a woman who had been through pregnancy before around to commiserate with her when needed, to force her to rest and eat and all the other things she often forgot to do. As she ate, she noticed Carol's eyes kept drifting out the window.

"So..." Maggie said. "I noticed you followed Daryl out last night."

Carol turned to the younger woman and nodded.

"And as you came out of your room this morning, I see that you didn't stay the night..."

Carol narrowed her eyes and shook her head no.

"And you've been staring at him for like ten minutes now..." Maggie said, as she took another bite of eggs.

Carol blushed slightly and tried to hide it behind her coffee cup.

"What's going on?" Maggie asked.

"Nothing," Carol answered, soundly slightly dejected.

"Nothing? You seem upset."

Carol scowled."I shouldn't be."

"Did something happen last night?"

Carol sighed, considering whether she should go into it. She had never really been one for a lot of girl talk, even though she had always craved it. Growing up she had gotten along with the boys more than the girls, found them easier to talk to. Ed had never allowed her to have friends.

She placed her cup on the table. "Can my answer be both yes and no?"

Maggie nodded. Carol felt that she was genuinely interested. She decided to open up.

"Well, Daryl was drunk..." she started.

"I figured. Most people were."

"And he was... relaxed. _Very_ relaxed."

Maggie's eyebrows went up,"And what was _that_ like?" she asked, leaning forward.

They both laughed.

"It was nice," Carol answered."He was talkative... And open. And... flirty..."

"Daryl??"

"Yes!" Carol exclaimed, grateful that Maggie understood how weird the idea of Daryl flirting was.

"Daryl. Flirting. That's hard to picture."

"I wasn't really sure what to do with it."

"What did he say?" Maggie asked, her curiosity piqued.

Carol thought about it. "It wasn't really _what_ he said as much as it was _how_ he said it... He laughed a lot, held eye contact, didn't shy away from conversation topics... He was just... different. But still him."

"Hm," Maggie said.

Carol self-consciously looked down at the table. "He held my hand..." she said quietly, feeling silly for how elementary that must sound.

Maggie raised her eyebrows again. "Really?"

"Told me he didn't want me to be lonely. And he didn't want me to go when I was trying to leave."

"That's kind of a big deal, Carol. Daryl hardly ever says more than two words to most people."

"That's what I thought," Carol said, feeling her doubt. "But I don't know. It's not like we're in high school."

"We can always pretend though," Maggie said, winking."Did you talk to him this morning?"

"I _saw_ him. We said as little as humanly possibly to each other... It was awkward. I feel weird remembering everything about a conversation and not knowing if he remembers any of it."

"So we need to find out what he remembers..." Maggie said thoughtfully. She looked out the window again. Jesus was now talking to Daryl. She smiled slightly, knowing that Daryl was probably _not_ enjoying the company.

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't interesting in the slightest."

"It's more interesting than anything else is around here," Maggie said."Besides, I asked. And... I've always liked the idea of the two of you together."

"What?" Carol said, incredulously.

Maggie nodded. "Glen and I used to talk about it all the time."

"Maggie!" Carol was embarrassed. She never knew they'd ever given anyone reason to talk about them.

Maggie laughed. "There was actually a time at the prison when we were convinced the two of you were sneaking around to hook up when no one was around." She raised her eyebrows as if to ask _Is it true?_

"No!" she said firmly, shaking her head, and they both laughed.

"I always thought you were cute together... You obviously care about each other. You're so protective of each other... He's _always_ watching you."

"He is?" Carol asked, timidly.

"It's been years now, Carol," Maggie said."You've never noticed?"

"Not recently," she answered, a little defensively.

"Then he's gotten more sly about it." Maggie smiled.

Carol chewed her lip and looked out at Daryl again.

Maggie sipped her tea and thought back over the time she had known the two. All of the events at the farm while Daryl was looking for Carol's daughter. Their time at the prison. And after her father's death, being scattered and almost being eaten at Terminus. Carol saving them right in time, even after she'd been banished. Her walking out of the trees and Daryl flying towards her. Their reunion had stuck with her.

She watched the older woman. "You love him, don't you?" she asked softly.

Carol was quiet and bit her lip, feeling herself tear up.

"Carol..." Maggie said sadly.

"It's not important, Maggie," Carol said, wiping her eyes. "Even if Daryl _does_ feel that way about me... It's Daryl. He's never going to do anything about it."

She looked back out the window. "I know that he cares about me," she said softly."And that's always been enough, you know? Our friendship has always been enough. I know him. He's closed. He keeps people at a distance. I always assumed he didn't want anything more... With anyone, really... But seeing him last night... It just made me see that it _could_ be more. _He_ could be more... Maybe _we_ could be more."

Her voice was almost a whisper, tears falling from her eyes. "I didn't realize how much I wanted that until I saw it."

Maggie frowned. There was nothing she could say to argue with Carol's claim. She herself didn't have much faith that Daryl would ever fully realize how he felt about the woman, let alone do anything about it. But to her that didn't change what was true.

She reached out and took Carol's hand. "He loves you," she said softly."He may not know it, and he may never say it, but he does."

Carol met Maggie's eyes, grateful she had chosen to talk to her. "Thank you," she said, wiping her eyes again. She squeezed Maggie's hand. "Let's talk about something else."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

While working on an outdoor storage building a few weeks back, one of the Hilltop's men had crashed through the outer fence. Assuming he was in reverse and watching behind him instead of in front. An honest mistake. They'd put up a temporary fence to block out walkers, but Maggie wanted it properly repaired before winter started.

While today was technically Daryl's "day off," he'd decided to come out and work on it. Daryl didn't normally utilize his days off. There was always something to be done and he hated being still. He never saw the sense in just sitting around. It was also easier to think things out when his hands were busy. And this morning he had a lot to think out.

He'd been trying to remember the previous night. Moments came back to him but in no particular order. He remembered Carol asking him questions. What he was like as a kid. What his tattoos meant. When he had lost his virginity? He shook his head. What was worse than not remembering was not knowing if the things he remembered were accurate.

This work was already being a bitch to him. Digging holes and setting posts was really more of a two person job. But Daryl was nothing if not stubborn.

He raised his hand to his temple. The sun was breaking through the clouds and his headache, while it had improved, was still hanging on.

He was so focused on trying to hold the post in his hands steady, he didn't hear Jesus approaching till he was almost right next to him.

"Hey, Daryl," Jesus greeted. Daryl inwardly cursed and outwardly grunted. Jesus was annoyingly upbeat in the morning. It was what bothered Daryl the most about him.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"I'm alright," Daryl responded, not looking up.

He didn't ask how Jesus was. He didn't care. And he knew Jesus would tell him whether he asked or not.

"I'm doing surprisingly well," Jesus offered. Daryl could tell he was smiling that smile, like he was in on some kind of inside joke. That was another thing that bothered Daryl about him. He always seemed to be laughing at him.

"Good for you," Daryl said, kicking dirt around the base of the post to stabilize it.

Jesus smiled. He had come out here specifically to talk to Daryl. He liked talking to Daryl. Daryl was quiet and barely responded to him, so he could easily share his thoughts without getting unwanted opinions thrown in. When he was overly grumpy, as he seemed to be this morning, it did made things a bit more difficult. But Jesus didn't mind irritating Daryl. He found it quite entertaining.

He leaned on a post of the fence surrounding the garden. "How much did you end up drinking last night?"

Daryl immediately heard Carol's voice in his head, "Exactly how much have you had to drink, Daryl?" Her eyes laughing at him playfully. He shook it off.

"I had enough," he responded.

"Not too much to be out working this morning."

"Ain't gonna do nobody any good in my trailer," Daryl said, throwing his shoulder into the shovel, praying Jesus would just leave him be.

But Jesus kept talking."It's good that there are some conscious people out here. Tara and Rosita are still passed out. Aaron too."

Daryl wanted to say that he didn't give a fuck about Tara, Rosita or Aaron right now. Instead he just said "hm."

Jesus watched the man work, suppressing the urge to laugh at him. He always wanted to laugh at Daryl. How uptight he always was but pretended not to be. How detached he wanted to appear. Daryl reminded him of a little kid trying to impress his older brother by acting like he didn't give a shit about anything.

"So I saw that Carol left the party after you last night," Jesus prompted.

"Yup." Daryl grunted, trying to focus on the hole he was digging, but it was crawling up his spine that Jesus was trying to talk to him about Carol. He'd tried once before not long after they'd first met. But he hadn't gotten anywhere. Daryl had just glared at him and walked away.

"And..?" Jesus said.

Daryl stopped his work and looked at him, exasperated. "And what?"

Jesus raised his eyebrows at him, "What happened?"

Daryl narrowed his eyes at him, which only made Jesus smirk. Why did this guy enjoy getting under his skin so much?

"I ain't talkin' to you about Carol, asshole."

Jesus laughed and put his hands up. "Okay, okay. I can take a hint."

Daryl shook his head and went back to work.

"You know though..." Jesus continued while Daryl rolled his eyes and sighed. "If you ever change your mind... I'm a great listener."

Daryl turned on him."Are you plannin' on doing any work today? Or did you just come out here to piss me off?"

"Is pissing you off not reason enough to be out here?" Jesus asked, smirking.

Daryl shot him a dirty look but Jesus was unscathed. He enjoyed getting a reaction out of Daryl. It was his own way of flirting.

"Alright... There was another reason," Jesus admitted. He was quiet then. Daryl tried to swallow the need to punch him in the face.

"Spit it out," Daryl barked as he grabbed the shovel and started digging the next hole. He'd given up on using this time to try and figure out what to do about Carol.

"I wanted to talk to you about Aaron," Jesus said.

Daryl paused and looked at Jesus. He really didn't want to hear anymore of what he had to say. But he also really needed a second person on this fence. "Fine," he agreed. "But only if you work at the same time. I ain't gonna sit here and let you talk my ear off if you ain't gonna help with this fence."

Jesus smiled, taking the shovel from Daryl. "Deal."


	4. four

Carol was in her room finishing her packing. She would be heading back to the Kingdom soon with the handful of others that had come out for the wedding the day before.

She could hear Gracie crying from down the hall as she folded her clothes and shoved them into her bag. The little girl's cries were growing steadily louder and she found herself walking down to Aaron's room.

She watched from the doorway for a few seconds before she entered. It was clear Aaron was struggling with the child today and Carol didn't think it was just because he was hungover. She had to wonder how heavy the weight of raising Gracie on his own while he still dealt with the loss of Eric was on his shoulders.

Carol could see as she entered the room that the man was on the verge of tears trying to console the little girl.

"Aaron?" she said softly.

He turned to her with a look of despair. "I'm so sorry, Carol. She's _so_ tired. I just can't... I can't get her to calm down. I'm sure she'll go to sleep soon. With the different environment and all the people..."

Carol smiled and walked closer to the two. "Do you mind if I try?"

Aaron met her eyes hesitantly, feeling every bit the failure.

"Please?" she continued. "I don't mind. And it's been a long time since I've held a baby ." As she spoke, she reached her arms out to Gracie who had already gotten quiter listening to the two of them.

Aaron, noticing Gracie's interest in the woman, quietly agreed, handing the toddler over.

"Hey, baby girl," Carol said sweetly as Gracie sniffed. "What's all this fuss about?"

She turned to Aaron."I'll get her to sleep, Aaron. You take a walk."

Aaron nodded, hesitant to hand over his responsibility. "I suck at this."

"You don't," Carol said firmly."You're trying. Sometimes that's all you can do. And it's more than a lot of father's attempt. Trust me on that one."

Aaron nodded again. "Thank you, Carol. You're a saint."

Carol scoffed as he exited the room and she set about calming the little girl.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jesus talked for damn near an hour before Maggie, feeling like Daryl had suffered enough, mercifully came and asked him if he'd come help her in the garden.

Jesus agreed, handing Daryl his shovel. As they'd walked away, Daryl shot Maggie a look of exasperated gratitude. Maggie laughed softly and nodded in return. "Why don't you go ahead and take a break, Daryl? Get some water. I don't need you passing out."

Daryl nodded, putting his shovel down, and made his way over to his trailer. Entering the dark of his own domain was a huge relief after the morning of work.

He grabbed his canteen from his stack-of-books side table and shook it, grateful to hear it sounding full. He took a long drink, kicked off his boots, and threw himself on the bed.

 _Finally, some space to fucking think_ , he thought. If he'd had to listen to one more minute of Jesus dissecting every second he'd spent with Aaron, he'd have lost his mind.

He stretched out on his back and let his mind wander. He tried to remember more about the night before, tried to run it through from beginning to end, but all he could come up with were flashes. Carol asking if he was mad at her. Saying she was trouble as a kid. That she thought she'd loved Ed in the beginning.

Drowsiness snuck up on him. His eyelids were heavy and his bed was so damn comfortable...

Her presence swirled around him as he fell asleep and his memories began to fade into dreams of hee smile, her laugh, her piercing blue eyes.

He was flirting with her. They were laughing together. He was asking if she was lonely. They were sitting on the couch, their heads barely touching, and he was content. He couldn't remember ever feeling so content...

He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard a knock at his door.

He stared at the ceiling in confusion, his dreams fading. Or were they memories? Another knock. "Hm," he grunted and got off the bed. He opened the door to Aaron. Aaron looked like shit.

"Hey, man," he said, squinting in the sunlight. Daryl imagined Aaron's hangover was probably much worse than his own. "Can I come in?"

Daryl nodded as he moved aside for him to enter.

Aaron passed him and plopped down on the couch. Daryl looked him over. "You look like shit, man."

"Thanks," Aaron said, with his head in his hands. "I _feel_ like shit. I don't know what I was thinking drinking last night."

Knowing Aaron didn't handle alcohol well, Daryl breathed a short laugh and sat in the chair where Carol had sat the night before. "Overdo it?" he asked.

"Slightly," Aaron said, rubbing his face. "I'm worried I made an idiot out of myself."

Daryl shrugged."Didn't seem like anyone else was sober enough to notice. 'Cept Maggie and Carol."

"That may be true, but it doesn't make me feel any better," Aaron said, looking over to Daryl. "How are _you_ feeling?"

Daryl shrugged again."I've been worse."

Aaron nodded and silence overtook the space Aaron laid his head back on the couch. Just like Daryl had done the night before.

Unlike Jesus, Daryl didn't mind talking to Aaron. He liked Aaron. He'd become one of his closest friends. He knew he wouldn't judge him or expect too much out of him. And he knew he would tell him the truth. Maybe he could get his input on Carol. They'd never technically talked about her before, but Daryl felt like Aaron understood. Maybe more than Daryl himself did.

"I'm a little worried I might've been an idiot too," he said, chewing his lip.

"Yeah?" Aaron asked, looking up.

Daryl nodded.

"Tell me about it," Aaron prompted. "I'd rather hear about your problems than think about mine."

"Carol came by last night," he said, leaning back in the chair.

"Yeah?"

Daryl nodded, "I was drunk"

Aaron nodded, "Do something stupid?"

Daryl shook his head and shrugged. "That's just the thing. I don't know. I can't remember everything that happened. Some, but..."

"Hm," Aaron paused. "Have you seen her since?"

"This mornin'."

"Did she seem upset?"

He continued at his lips. "She was... weird... Or I was just imagining things."

"Weird how?"

Daryl shrugged again. "I don't know, she was uncomfortable."

"Maybe _you_ weren't the one who did something stupid."

Daryl shook his head. "Can't imagine _she_ did anything stupid."

Aaron shrugged. "You could just ask her..." he started, then laughed softly. "I realize that would require you to open your mouth and speak to her..."

Daryl kicked the table, "Shut the fuck up, man."

Aaron laughed."You're gonna have to talk to her, man."

Daryl nodded.

"Probably the sooner the better. You don't want her to think you're avoiding it. She's with Gracie now, but she probably got that girl to sleep the second I walked out the door."

Daryl nodded again, but said no more.

Aaron felt like he understood Daryl more than most people did. While he couldn't completely place what existed between Carol and the man, he knew she was the most important person in his life.

Worried that Daryl wouldn't budge, he prompted the man again. "They're leaving after lunch..."

Daryl looked up at him. "Yeah," was all he said. Then he stood and walked over to his boots.

As he put them on, Aaron looked around Daryl's place. "You mind if I hide out here for a bit?" Aaron asked."I need a break from all the women in that house. Including my daughter."

"Sure," Daryl said.

Aaron sighed. "Thanks... Single parenting is hard..." he said quietly, almost to himself. Then he seemed to remember himself and looked over to Daryl. "Good luck."

Daryl nodded and left, shutting the door behind him.

XXX

The sun was too bright, but it seemed like his headache had finally faded out. He headed towards the big house, avoiding eye contact with Jesus, who was staring directly at him. Daryl figured he must have seen Aaron going to his trailer and the last thing he wanted to do was answer questions.

He felt nervous, which was stupid. _It's just Carol,_ he thought. _Perfect Carol. Who always makes your throat turn to sandpaper. No big deal._

He paused on the outside of the door to the house, hesitating.

"Stop being such a fucking pussy," he muttered to himself as he turned the doorknob.

When he entered the house, he immediately heard what Aaron had been talking about. Tara and Rosita were bickering loudly in the living room. He couldn't help but overhear.

"Don't be all up in _my_ shit, woman. Everyone knows the only reason you're such a bitch right now is cause you need to get laid," Rosita barked.

Daryl rolled his eyes.

"The only reason I need to get laid is because I don't fuck everyone who so much as looks at me," Tara bit back.

"I hear a little bit of jealousy in that, Tara."

"Oh my God!"

Daryl shook his head as he tried his best to slip past them undetected. Their voices faded as he headed upstairs to the bedrooms.

XXX

Carol sat in Aaron's room, rocking Gracie back and forth, smoothing her hair with her hand. She was singing softly as the toddler slept.

She'd been rocking the little girl for about half an hour now, not in any rush to lay her down. She'd always wanted several children, but realized soon after bringing her daughter home from the hospital that Sophia would be her only child.

She'd thought a child would soften Ed, make him less violent. But the baby had the opposite effect on him.

In a lot of ways, Sophia had been like Gracie. A "high-needs" baby, the doctor had called her. She was always crying and needing to be held and nursed.

Ed had become jealous and increasingly violent in those first three years. She shuddered remembering that dark time in her life, and smoothed Gracie's hair again.

She missed Sophia with a dull ache and felt tears of regret sting her eyes. She thought for the millionth time that her daughter had deserved so much better than her.

XXX

Daryl passed the room Carol stayed in, finding it empty. He could hear a creaking sound from a couple doors down and he followed the sound to Aaron's doorway.

Carol was rocking Gracie to sleep, singing softly. As Daryl watched her he felt a pang in his chest. He thought of Sophia. Maybe she was thinking of her too.

He made his presence known by shuffling his feet.

Carol looked up. "Just a sec," she whispered, standing to move Gracie to the crib that would soon belong to Maggie's baby.

Daryl watched her, thinking about how natural it was for her to care for other people. How she could barely stop herself. And how that weighed on her in this new cruel world.

She tiptoed across the room to where he stood and the both moved into the hallway as she shut the door behind them.

"Hi," she said, crossing her arms across her chest, suddenly nervous. She'd known that she'd have to speak to him again before she left but she hadn't foreseen him seeking her out. She wasn't sure what to expect.

"Hey," he started. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

She nodded, and, assuming he wanted privacy, she led him to her room. She tried to keep her breathing calm and not panic about what he might have to say to her.

In her room, she sat on the bed as he stood awkwardly by the shut door. She patted the mattress next to her and he came to sit with her.

"What's up?" she asked quietly.

He spoke softly. "Wanted to apologize for this mornin'," he said."Wasn't tryin' to avoid you. My head was hurtin' somethin' awful."

Carol nodded, looking at her hands on her thighs. He continued.

"Wanted to make sure everything was alright," he paused, gathering his courage. "I don't remember a lot about last night... You seemed... Upset this morning..."

Carol looked forward and didn't answer, digesting his words. He didn't remember last night, or at least not enough of it to matter.

Daryl tried not to panic over her lack of response. "What'd I do?" he asked nervously.

She looked over to him, their eyes meeting. "You didn't do anything, Daryl," she said. Then she looked down at her feet.

He watched her uncertainly. "I didn't do nothin' stupid?"

"You were a perfect gentleman. Honestly."

He continued watching her and she felt his eyes on her, feeling that he wasn't buying her words. She should say more, but what?

"You sure?" he asked.

She looked up at him again. "I'm sure."

He felt the familiar sting of being on the outside of her thoughts. Of not knowing what was really going on with her. "Alright," he said.

Their eyes met again. Her expression of resistance softened. "Everything's alright, Daryl."

"It don't feel alright," he said, quietly, chewing his lip.

"How _does_ it feel?" she asked.

"Like you ain't tellin' me the truth," he said matter-of-factly.

She wanted to tell him he was right, but she couldn't. Her emotions were threatening to break through and she didn't know how to begin to explain any of it to him.

"I ain't gonna push you," he said, looking at his hands. "Just... I'm sorry for whatever it was that happened."

She watched him as he spoke, biting her lip. Trying to keep her tears at bay. The moment felt like it stretched out, like the words were right on the edge of her tongue.

Then it was over. He stood. "I'll let you finish packing," he said, walking to the door. He turned to face her before he left. "Stay safe," he said.

She nodded as he walked away, biting the inside of her mouth furiously. The tears fell as she heard his boots walk away and she angrily swiped them away.

She bowed her head as more tears fell. She cursed herself for her silence. He had come here, tried to make things right, and she had just sat there, claiming everything was fine.

She sat staring at the floor until she heard Gracie crying in the other room. Then she stood and shook herself. And she hoped she wouldn't see him again before she left.


	5. five

**A/N**

 ** _First off, apologies for all the typos in the last chapter. Not sure what happened there. ️_**

 ** _Secondly, thank you SO much for the reviews! (Specifically to BeKindToAllThatLives ️)_**

 ** _You guys are life!_**

Daryl went out to finish his work on the fence, distracting himself until the Kingdom group left. He kept telling himself that he wasn't avoiding Carol. That she wanted him to give her space.

He worked hard, pushing all thought from his mind, and finished the fence by early afternoon. He thought about going back to his trailer and sleeping, but he'd yet to see Aaron leave.

He decided to go see if Maggie needed anything else from him. He found her in the kitchen of the big house, watching out the window. She didn't turn until he'd pulled out a chair and sat at the table.

Maggie looked over to him. "How you feelin', Daryl?"

He shrugged, "I'm alright."

Maggie nodded, looking back out the window. She hated that she had to rest so much at this point in her pregnancy. She wanted to be out there working, not inside overseeing.

Daryl stared at his hands. He started to wonder if Carol had talked to Maggie at all. He didn't know if it was his place to ask, but he figured the worst that could happen is Maggie scolding him.

"Finish the fence?" Maggie asked, interrupting his thoughts.

He nodded.

"Huntin' tomorrow?"

"Yep."

"Good." Maggie turned and sat down with him. "Have you seen Aaron?"

Daryl nodded."Hidin' out in my trailer. You need him?"

"No, just wondered... How do you think he's doing?"

Daryl shrugged."I don't know. Seems to be havin' a hard time with Gracie," he said.

"He does," Maggie agreed "I think it's more than that though." She spoke softly."You think he's happy in Alexandria?"

"I don't know," Daryl answered, and he honestly didn't.

"I wonder if he would ever move here... I feel like he would be a good fit."

Daryl was surprised but he nodded."He would."

"Would you mind talking to him about it? I don't want him to think I'm mother-henning him."

"Sure," Daryl said. "If you want me to."

"Thanks," Maggie said, watching Daryl stare down at the table. She started to wonder why he'd come inside. "Was there something you needed, Daryl?"

Daryl looked up, chewing his cheek, debating.

Maggie raised her eyebrows.

"You talk to Carol today?" he asked.

"I did," Maggie said, not exactly surprised by the question.

"She alright?" he looked at her cautiously.

Maggie looked out the window, debating what she should say. She didn't want to betray Carol's confidence, but Daryl was one of her best friends and she hated to see him in the dark.

"Did _you_ talk to her?" she asked.

"I tried... She wouldn't really tell me anything."

She turned back to him. "Don't remember much about last night?"

Daryl shook his head."Not enough to understand."

Maggie looked like she was weighing her words, and she was. "We did talk about you..."

Daryl's gut twisted uncomfortably as Maggie leaned forward. "I obviously can't tell you exactly what she said, but... Maybe I can summarize."

"Anything would help. I ain't got a fuckin' clue," Daryl muttered.

Maggie smiled and reached out, patting Daryl's hand. "Basically... You're more talkative when you're drunk. She felt like you were more open with her..."

"That's it? I didn't do nothin' to piss her off?"

"Nope," Maggie said, shaking her head. "On the contrary..." She stopped then, doubting if she should go on.

Daryl looked at her questioningly.

"I think she just misses you, Daryl... All of these things that have happened... I think she just feels like it's pushed the two of you apart."

"She say that?" Daryl asked softly.

"Not in those _exact_ words. But that's basically the gist."

Daryl nodded and looked out the window, feeling a weight in his chest.

Maggie watched him, feeling sad. "Did that help at all?" she asked.

"It did. Thanks," he said quietly.

Maggie nodded.

Dary got up to leave. "Ill go talk to Aaron."

Maggie felt like there was more to say but she didn't want to make him uncomfortable, so she just said thanks and let it go.

Daryl left out the front door, lost in his own thoughts and didn't see Rosita until he'd almost run into her.

He stopped short as she squared her shoulders, hands on her hips, and glared at him. "Where the hell is Aaron?"

"The hell should I know?" Daryl bit back, trying to side step her, but she planted her feet in front of him.

"He's not in your trailer?" she asked aggressively."Cause I'm pretty sure that's where he is."

Daryl said nothing, glancing over at Tara, who was sitting on the steps with Gracie.

Rosita continued, moving closer to Daryl. "You think you could have him come out here and, I don't know, take care of his daughter?"

Daryl glared at her and took a step forward. "Back off, Rosita."

"Seriously, Rosita," Tara said."Is there a reason you have to be such a bitch? The guy deserves to take a break."

"If he can't handle taking care of her, why does he have her at all? No one _made_ him take her."

Tara stared at her in disbelief. "You are _so_ insensitive," Tara started.

Rosita, not listening, interrupted her. "And why are _we_ the ones who end up with her? Because we have vaginas? I mean if Aaron needs a break so fucking bad, why isn't _Daryl_ watching her?"

Tara's voice rose."Who said _you_ had to watch her, Rosita? I didn't even _ask_ for your help!"

Tara turned to Daryl, "I swear to God, she just wants something to complain about."

"Are you _kidding_ me right now?" Rosita took a step towards Tara, giving Daryl a chance to walk away.

As he walked off, Rosita yelled after him. "Tell him to get his ass out here!"

Daryl shook his head. Man, he did _not_ miss Rosita. And he did not envy Aaron. Or Tara for that matter.

He entered his trailer and was a little concerned to find Aaron sitting right where he'd left him hours before. He barely looked up as Daryl shut the door.

"Rosita's out for your head, man," he said.

Aaron glanced up and nodded. "Yeah, I need to get out there," he said quietly.

Daryl sat down next to him on the couch. "What's going on?"

"I'm drowning, Daryl," Aaron said softly. His voice sounded far away. Worry knotted Daryl's stomach as he watched him.

Aaron put his head in his hands. "It's all so much harder than I thought it would be..."

"Maggie's worried about you," Daryl said. When Aaron didn't reply, he continued. "And she ain't the only one."

Aaron looked up at Daryl. "I'm not trying to worry anyone. I'm just... I'm having a _hard_ time." His voice broke at the end. He had yet to really confide in anyone what he was going through.

"You happy in Alexandria?" Daryl asked, causing confusion to cross Aaron's face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you like it there? Do you want to be there?"

Aaron struggled for words. "It's... home. I've never considered _not_ being there."

Daryl nodded."Maggie thinks you might be happier here."

Aaron narrowed his eyes."Why?"

Daryl shrugged. "It'd be a change. Get you away from everything that reminds you of..."

He trailed off, meeting Aaron's pain-stricken eyes. Aaron swallowed the lump in his throat as tears ran down his cheeks.

Daryl leaned closer to him. "Why _don't_ you move here? It'd get you away from Rosita," he said, trying to lighten the mood.

Aaron laughed, sniffing, "That might be reason enough."

"Think about it," Daryl said.

Aaron nodded, wiping his eyes. "I will." He looked at Daryl in gratitude. "Thank you."

They were interrupted by banging on the door. "Aaron!"

Aaron threw his head back and sighed, staring at the ceiling. "Rosita," he groaned. "Yeah. I'll definitely think about it."

As Aaron left, Daryl could hear Rosita laying into him and again he didn't envy him one bit.

XXX

Aaron returned to the trailer later that evening. Daryl was sitting out on the steps, smoking.

"Hey man," Aaron said.

Daryl moved to the left so Aaron could sit.

"Finally got Gracie to sleep," he said, sitting down. Rosita hates me."

"Eh," Daryl said. "You're probably better off."

Aaron laughed. "That's probably true. I forgot to ask you. How'd it go with Carol?"

Daryl sighed and shook his head. "Barely spoke to me again. Kept saying nothin' was wrong but... Felt like there was something she wasn't sayin'... "

Aaron kept listening while Daryl took an inhale off his cigarette and blew out smoke. "Maggie says she just misses me..." The words felt weird coming out of his mouth.

"Carol told her that?"

"I guess..." Daryl said. "Don't make no sense to me. If she misses me so much... Why is she livin' in the Kingdom?"

Aaron could hear the hurt in his voice, although he was sure Daryl was trying to hide it.

"Have you asked her? Why she's still there?"

Daryl shook his head.

"Maybe she doesn't know where else to be," Aaron suggested."Now that everything is settled. I mean you said she left Alexandria because she didn't want to kill anymore. And then she fought with the Kingdom. Maybe she doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere else. I mean, I'm just guessing here..."

Daryl thought about that."Maybe," he said softly.

"When do you see her again?"

"Couple weeks."

"What do you think you'll do?"

"Don't see how there's anything _to_ do," Daryl said."If she don't wanna tell me shit, she ain't gonna."

"Maybe you need to be more persistent," Aaron suggested.

"What do you mean?"

"Keep talking to her until she talks back to you. And you feel like she's really telling you the truth."

"What if she don't want me to talk to her?" Daryl asked, looking down at his feet.

"Daryl," Aaron said. "You can't possibly believe that she doesn't _want_ to talk to you."

"She didn't wanna talk to me this mornin'," he answered, defensively.

"She was upset this morning. _Try again._ That's where the persistence comes in."

Daryl shook his head.

"Look, I didn't say it would be easy. But if it bothers you that she isn't talking to you. If the space between you upsets you as much as it seems to... What else is there to do, Daryl? Just sit here and sulk about it?"

Daryl scowled. So much for Aaron not being pushy.

"You care about her. I know you do. Probably more than you've let yourself realize. And the only reason you're pissed right now is because you feel like she rejected you. But you gotta give her the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe she doesn't know what to say anymore than you do."

Aaron watched his words sinking into Daryl's brain. "If you want her to talk to you, you gotta try again." He leaned closer to him. "Persistence."

Daryl shook his head. "Yeah, yeah. I get it."

Aaron laughed.

"I thought about what you said earlier and I talked to Maggie."

Daryl looked up at him.

"I think I'm gonna do it. Move here. I think it might be good for me."

Daryl nodded. "I think so too."

Aaron shifted. "I should get some sleep. Heading back early tomorrow."

"Alright."

Aaron clapped his hand on Daryl's shoulder. "Don't torture yourself too much. Women are just hard."

"Mm," Daryl said, inhaling smoke and breathing it out.

Aaron walked back to the house and Daryl sat for awhile by himself, mulling over everyone's words. Carol's. Maggie's. Aaron's.

He had to admit, he was grateful he had a couple weeks before he would see Carol again. But at the same time he wished she was here so he could just fix whatever had gone wrong.

 _"Women are just hard."_

Daryl had never been particularly good with women. Of course, he'd never had much of a woman to be good for. No woman that would compare to Carol. Nothing more than drunken encounters and being thrown Merle's scraps. He'd always hate them afterward, along with himself.

 _"She just misses you, Daryl."_

Carol deserved better than him. He'd never understood what that woman saw in him. Always thinking he was better than he was.

He never let himself wonder what she really meant to him. He knew it didn't matter because, no matter what happened, it would end with him letting her down. He _knew_ it. He'd never done anything but let people down.

 _"You gotta try again."_

" _She just feels like it's pushed the two of you apart."_

 _"Everything's alright, Daryl."_

He took a slow inhale as he looked out at the night. He didn't know what to do about any of it and he was tired down to his bones.

He snuffed out his cigarette with the toe of his boots. Maybe he wouldn't even go to the Kingdom for the next trade. Maybe he would send Jesus. If he stayed away from her entirely there was no way he could fuck anything up.

But he knew he wouldn't do that. Aaron was right. Carol probably did feel lost and unsure of herself. Maybe just as much as he did. He'd never be able to just walk away from her. So he would have to try again.

With that decision in his mind he stood and went back into his trailer to sleep.


	6. six

Almost two weeks had passed since the wedding at the Hilltop and Carol had had plenty of time to think.

She found herself borderline embarrassed by her behavior with Daryl, for getting so upset that she couldn't even speak to him normally. She inwardly rolled her eyes at herself.

There was nothing for it now and she knew it wasn't really important in the grand scheme of things. After all she and Daryl had been through, it was nothing. But she still felt guilty for somewhat blaming him for not remembering things that had happened when he was obviously drunk.

Today was set to be an exchange day between the two communities and Daryl was normally on the trade team. It was one of the things she regularly looked forward to, but today she couldn't help getting nervous when she thought of seeing him again. She hoped she could keep herself from becoming a complete emotional wreck again.

She considered asking him to stay in the Kingdom for dinner, even though he normally only stayed for a couple hours. She knew he wouldn't want to hold up the others, but she felt the need to find some way to make up for her behavior. And dinner was all she had come up with.

Maybe she had nothing to make up for. Maybe he had already shaken the whole thing off. Maybe none of it had even bothered him to begin with... She hated her self-doubt.

Maybe she could extend an invitation for the next time? Although knowing that was a whole other two weeks away bothered her. She had previously found his short visits twice a month to be enough for her. But now she felt herself craving more time with him. Again, she couldn't help it.

She'd spent the last several days trying to keep herself busy and distracted. Thankfully there was always work to do. Most of her time these days was spent with Nabila. The two women had grown quite close in her time in the Kingdom.

Currently they were organizing a clothes closet of sorts. The people's needs were constantly changing, specifically all the growing children. Having the clothes labeled and organized made things easier for everyone.

Carol liked working with Nabila. She was often the perfect compliment to her. She was almost always in good spirits, even in truly terrible situations. She kept Carol's mood on track and helped her see the lighter side of things.

As they worked, they talked. Normally it was Nabila sharing whatever gossip she'd heard. But lately all Nabila seemed able to talk about was Jerry.

"He's just so shy and unsure of himself," she was saying. "Everytime I talk to him he finds some way to run off."

"Maybe he's not interested," Carol said gently.

"Oh, he's interested," Nabila said with certainty."I've seen the way he looks at me."

Carol laughed, envying the woman's confidence. "Maybe he just needs a little warming up."

"Oh, I'll warm him up."

Carol covered her mouth and giggled.

"I'm serious, Carol. I feel like I've been after this man for over a month now. I'm starting to get desperate. I need to get laid. It has been _too_ long. I'm losing my damn mind."

Carol laughed again.

"Woman, this isn't funny."

"I'm sorry," Carol said, trying to quiet her laughter. "I understand. I've been there."

"You've _been_ there?" Nabila asked, stopping what she was doing. "Does that mean you aren't there now?"

Carol gave her a confused look. "What?"

"Are you and Ezekiel...?" Nabila raised her eyebrows.

"No!" Carol exclaimed. "Why on earth would you think that?"

"Because _everyone_ thinks that."

Now Carol stopped what she was doing. " _Everyone_ thinks that?!"

"Woman, he goes to your house _alone_. Comes back looking pretty pleased with himself. What would _you_ think?"

Nabila's voice has grown louder, drawing the attention of a passing couple, much to Carol's embarrassment.

"I am _not_ sleeping with Ezekiel," she hissed at her."And keep your voice down."

Nabila laughed loudly and Carol blushed furiously, wanting to disappear into the ground at the thought that _everyone_ thought she was messing around with the King.

"No reason to get all flustered, Carol," Nabila teased.

"I don't think about Ezekiel that way."

"Alright, alright. But seriously? He would jump you if you wanted it."

Carol shook her head, regaining her composure. "I don't," she said firmly.

"What about back in Alexandria?" Nabila asked, continuing to fold clothes. "Didn't you have a man there?"

"I was... seeing someone." Carol didn't like to think of Tobin. It always made her feel guilty and sad. "It didn't last long. More of an attempt at feeling normal than anything else."

"Was the sex any good?"

"Nabila!" Carol swatted the other woman's arm.

"Who else is going to ask you these questions?"

Carol frowned, but humored the woman. "The sex was... okay... Not that it's important. He was a good man."

Nabila gave her a serious expression. "Sex is _always_ important. And in my experience, some very good men can be _very_ bad in bed."

Carol shook her head again.

"And some very bad men..." Nabila winked at Carol, who laughed.

"How many men _have_ you been with, Nabila?" she asked, curiously.

"A lady never tells." Both women laughed.

"What about your old group?" Nabila kept questioning."Get any action there?"

Carol shook her head."That group was more my family than anything else."

"Even Daryl?" Nabila leveled her eyes at Carol. "Because I've seen the way you look at that man and there is _something_ going on there."

Carol scowled." _Nothing_ is going on there. Things aren't like that with me and Daryl," she said, looking down.

"But you want them to be," Nabila said with certainty.

Carol glanced at her uncertainly. Maggie was the only person she had spoken about Daryl to, wanting to keep it all private. She didn't want to seem like a gossiping school girl. Even though she did actually want to talk to Nabila about it.

She started slowly. "Did I tell you when I was at the Hilltop last, he got drunk?" Carol asked, knowing full well that she hadn't told Nabila.

That perked Nabila's attention. "You did not."

Carol nodded."We ended up talking in his trailer."

Nabila's eyebrows raised."Anything juicy happen?"

"I wouldn't call any of it juicy, but... there was... I don't know. A certain energy to the conversation... He kind of flirted with me."

"That's more than I'm getting out of Jerry."

"But he was drunk. I mean, it didn't mean anything... Right?" Carol asked uncertainly.

"My opinion?"

Carol nodded.

"Alcohol just brings out what's going on inside. Anger. Sadness. Ridiculous friendliness. I don't think it makes thinks appear out of nowhere. If he was flirting with you I'd imagine there's something underneath that... He didn't try anything?"

Carol shook her head."It was pretty innocent actually."

"I wouldn't discredit it. Maybe he doesn't have the guts to flirt with you sober."

"Maybe..." Carol turned that over in her mind. What Nabila was saying made sense. And it made her feel better than her own theory of Daryl not meaning anything he had said.

She noticed Nabila watching her curiously. "I just... I can't stop thinking about him," Carol admitted."I mean back when I was 100% convinced he didn't see me that way, I kind of just let it go. But..."

"Girl, I don't blame you. That man is _tasty_."

Carol narrowed her eyes at the woman, but Nabila leaned into her. "Can you imagine what _he's_ like between the sheets?"

Carol swatted her arm again. " _You_ are not allowed to think of him that way."

"A woman can't help it! It's that voice of his. Gets me all worked up." Nabila noticed Carol's shocked expression and burst into laughter."Don't worry, now. I'm not after your man."

"It sounds like you might be." Carol said laughing.

Just then Nabila's head shot up. Ezekiel and Jerry were stepping out of the auditorium. Ezekiel made to approach the women, but Jerry saw Nabila and froze.

Nabila leaned over to Carol and whispered. " _That_ is my man. I'm going in," she said, straightening her dress. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck," Carol whispered back.

Nabila passed Ezekiel with a wave and approached Jerry, who ducked his head as she started to speak to him.

Ezekiel joined Carol and shot the couple a confused look. "What's going on over there?"

"Jerry doesn't talk to you?" Carol asked.

"Anytime I mention her, he turns bright red and changes the subject."

Carol smiled. "Well, I think that speaks for itself, don't you?"

"Mm..." Ezekiel watched the interaction in front of him. "You may mention to her that it's possible she's coming on too strong."

Carol shrugged and laughed. "I doubt it would change anything. I think she likes coming on too strong."

"You're probably right about that."

Ezekiel then turned his attention to her. Carol immediately broke eye contact, wondering if the man had any knowledge of the rumors that went around about them.

"I've been meaning to talk to you, Carol."

Carol looked at him skeptically. "Why?"

"You're irritated before I even speak?" Ezekiel said with humor.

"Yes," she stated plainly.

A normal man would have kept his distance from her. Lord knows she had sent him enough signals to show she wasn't interested in him. But he was stubborn and he was never deterred. She wasn't quite sure if that was infuriating or attractive.

Ed had been similar in the beginning. Overly confident, charming and eventually she had given into him despite her better judgment. She was sure the similarities between to two men ended there. She wasn't afraid of Ezekiel. Just annoyed.

Ezekiel seemed to be sizing her up and it was enough to make her uncomfortable. "What do you want, Ezekiel?"

"I've given some thought to you living out in that little house alone all winter. I don't like it, Carol. It isn't safe."

Carol dismissed what he said. "My safety isn't your concern. I'll be fine."

"I would feel better if you moved into the Kingdom."

She scowled at him, not answering.

"Just for the winter," Ezekiel said, doing his best to convince her. "It doesn't have to be permanent."

Carol didn't say anything and continued with her work. She couldn't say the man's plan was a bad one. He was probably right after all. But part of her didn't want to move into the Kingdom. Whether she told herself it was only temporary or not, it _felt_ permanent.

And she wasn't ready for that. But Ezekiel was looking at her expectantly.

"I'll think about it," she said shortly, hoping this would shut him up.

"That's all I ask," he said, smiling like he had already convinced her to relocate when all she had said was she'd think about it.

Carol heard a commotion in the street and turned to see the Hilltop's wagon approaching. Her breath caught at the sight of Daryl sitting in the front with Jesus. She didn't see Ezekiel notice her reaction, but he did.

It was several minutes before she talked to Daryl. He had helped Jesus unload what they'd brought and now some of the Kingdom men were loading what they would take back to the Hilltop.

She approached him cautiously as he leaned against the side of the wagon. "Hi."

"Hey," he greeted.

"How are you?" she asked, trying to feel out his reaction to her.

"I'm alright. You ok?"

She nodded. His voice was kind, which helped her relax. She remembered their last conversation when he had told her he wouldn't push her. He was always so gentle with her.

She stood, unsure of what to say next. She went to the first subject she could think of. "How's Maggie?"

"She's good. Says she thinks it's gonna be soon."

"Really? I've been wondering when I should head there." Maggie had already made it known she wanted Carol to be with her when she was in labor.

"Yeah, she said you'd prob'bly offer. She said she ain't there yet, but you might wanna make plans anyway. There's really no tellin'. She just don't wanna be any trouble to you."

Carol looked down, frowning."She should know me better than that."

Daryl shrugged, taking the opportunity of her looking away to watch her. She was biting her lip. It was stupid how cute it was.

"I'll make a plan then," she said, turning back to him.

Daryl interested himself in the people around the end of the cart now, working up the courage to suggest an idea that had come to him a couple days ago. He knew he would hate himself if he didn't at least mention it.

Carol felt he may be avoiding his conversation with her. She felt a stab of insecurity and was unsure how to continue.

He looked over to her and she met his eyes shyly. "I was thinkin'..." he started."I mean, I know you got shit goin' on here. But with the winter comin' we ain't gonna be able to travel back and forth for much longer... I thought... Since you're already gonna be at the Hilltop for the baby comin'... Maybe you could stay the winter..."

He immediately doubted what he'd said, but he'd had to say it. Even if she hated the idea. And hated him for suggesting it.

He kicked at the ground with his boot, unwilling to meet her eyes. "I know Maggie could use the help with the little one. You could always come back in spring."

Carol was quiet. She was surprised by Daryl's idea, mainly because it made a lot of sense and she hadn't thought of it herself. But also because she couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't just asking this on behalf of Maggie. She cursed herself for her optimism.

"She wouldn't ever ask you, but I know she wants you there," he said, looking up at her. He bit back the urge to say "so do I" at the end.

Carol nodded. "I'll have to talk to Ezekiel about it. He's been on my case about moving inside the walls and not being alone all winter."

As soon as the words had left her mouth, she wondered why she had said them. Had she just made it sound like Ezekiel had some kind of sway in her decision?

Daryl stiffened somewhat at the mention of the King, but said nothing. His mind was in overdrive though. Why did she have to clear her actions with Ezekiel? His doubt of what they were to each other was pricked and he couldn't shut up the voice inside that told him he was a dumb ass for bringing this idea to her.

She felt their conversation wrapping up against her will. The goods were all loaded and Jesus was motioning Daryl back into the cart. She was once again left with the feeling that she had something to make up for.

"Maggie wants us back pretty quick. Just in case... Guess I'll see you either way?" Daryl's voice was slightly hopeful and she wanted to tell him yes. That she would of course stay at the Hilltop for the winter. That she would stay at the Hilltop for an eternity if that's what he wanted from her. Why the hell wouldn't her mouth just open?

"Yes," she managed. "I'll go ahead and prepare to leave. I'd hate to miss the birth."

Daryl nodded and climbed up on the wagon. Before she knew it they were gone with little more than a wave from her. She was left standing alone in the street, wondering what was wrong with her.

She was really started to loathe herself.


	7. seven

**A/N**

 ** _There's a little bit of violence in this one, in the form of a dream. Just wanted to give out a warning in case it's needed._**

XXXXX

Daryl spent the whole way back home nodding and grunting to anything Jesus said, but he wasn't actually listening. He couldn't stop thinking of Carol, saying she "had" to talk to Ezekiel about staying the winter at the Hilltop.

He felt like an idiot. He _was_ an idiot. She obviously had something going on with Ezekiel. And why wouldn't she? He was a decent guy. Good with words. Not afraid to make a complete ass out of himself. Daryl found himself hating the King, jealousy clouding his judgment.

He felt stupid for wasting his time talking to Aaron. Gathering up the courage to ask her to stay hadn't been easy, but Aaron had convinced him it was an easy way to put himself out there and try to bridge the space between them.

He dreaded the moment he felt certain was coming when she would gently tell him she'd decided to spend the winter in the Kingdom, where she obviously wanted to be.

He wordlessly watched the trees as they moved past him. A woman like Carol would never choose a man like Daryl over a man like Ezekiel. He had no idea what he had been thinking. She didn't see him that way and she never would.

He tried to tell himself it didn't matter. It wasn't like he'd ever had a real chance with her. All these years and nothing had happened between them. Why would it be different now? It was fine. _He_ was fine. He had only asked for Maggie anyway.

But as much as he tried, he couldn't lie to himself. He had asked Carol to stay because _he_ wanted her to stay. And he didn't realize how badly he had wanted it until he'd heard her answer. He felt sure that he'd lost her to the Kingdom now. And the sooner he accepted it, the better.

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice Jesus glancing over at him.

"Hey," Jesus interrupted his thinking.

"What?" Daryl responded grumpily, glaring over to him.

"I was asking you a question. A couple, actually. Have you heard anything I've said?"

Daryl scowled, not answering. This irritated Jesus. He'd been trying to get advice about Aaron. Real advice. He valued Daryl's opinion on the subject and was more than a little annoyed that he wasn't even listening to him.

"What happened back there?" he asked."Did Carol say no?" Jesus knew of Daryl's plan to ask Carol to stay and could only assume his sour mood was because she had refused.

Daryl didn't really want to answer the man, but he knew he'd figure out the answer soon enough when Maggie asked. "Said she had to talk it over with Ezekiel," he answered gloomily.

"Ah," Jesus said, understanding the mood now. "Maybe it's just about her work in the Kingdom. I mean, it only makes sense for her to stay with Maggie. I doubt she's going to say no."

Daryl completely dismissed Jesus' opinion and said nothing. Seeing that he didn't care enough to be combative with him, Jesus decided to let the subject drop.

He hesitated briefly, wondering if he should try to talk about Aaron again. The Hilltop was growing closer with every second and he didn't know when he would get another chance.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked honestly.

"What?" Daryl replied.

" _Do_ you think I have a chance with Aaron?" Jesus asked insistently, letting Daryl know this wasn't the first time he'd asked.

Daryl'd seen Jesus trying to strike up several conversations with Aaron over the past week since he'd moved to the Hilltop. None of them had seemed particularly successful.

"I mean, you're his best friend," Jesus continued. "I'm aware that I annoy the hell out of you but... do you think I should give it up?"

Daryl had half a mind to tell Jesus he thought it was ridiculous that he was thinking of giving up after only a week, but he kept that opinion to himself. "He ain't ready," he said gruffly. "You gotta back off and just let it be. Comin' off too needy. If he wants you, he knows where to find you."

He couldn't stop himself from thinking the same thing applied to him. " _If Carol wanted you, she knows where to find you. But she don't."_

Jesus looked at him seriously. "So you think I _could_ have a chance with him?" he asked hopefully.

"Maybe... If you could stop your damn blabbin' for five fuckin' seconds," Daryl responded a little angrier than he meant to.

"I know," Jesus said, unfazed by Daryl's anger. "I've been coming on pretty strong... I just... I really like him... And I never seem to say the right thing. So I just keeping talking to make up for it."

Daryl softened a bit at that. He understood never saying the right thing. "You just gotta calm down," he said, kinder than before. "Be patient. You're gonna scare him off."

Jesus nodded."Thank you, Daryl," he said, emphatically.

Daryl went back to watching the woods, continuing his previous cycle of inward torture.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about Carol?" Jesus asked tentatively.

"Yeah," Daryl answered, losing himself in thought. "I'm sure."

XXXXX

Carol replayed her conversation with Daryl all night, wishing she could erase her own stupidity. She didn't understand how talking to him had become so impossible.

She tried to distract herself by packing. There was no reason to put it off as her decision was made. Maggie felt the baby would be coming soon and no one could predict when the first snow would fall. The last thing she wanted was to end up stuck in the Kingdom all winter worrying about the Hilltop.

Her plan was to leave in the morning after talking to Ezekiel. She wasn't sure how the conversation would go and she was already dreading it, but she knew there wasn't any way he could change her mind. Once Daryl had presented the option to her, it became the only thing that made sense.

She would have to explain the situation to Henry as well, but she wasn't as worried about him. Over the months, the boy had bonded much more to Nabila than to Carol. As much as she had wanted to be close to him and be there for him, she found that he reminded her too much of Sophia. She swore they looked the same sometimes. And it just hurt too damn much.

She found herself nostalgic while packing up her things, remembering when she'd first come here. How welcome the space and the quiet was. She'd had hopes of regaining a sense of home, even if she was all alone. She'd wanted to rebuild some kind of life here, to have a constant in all the turmoil.

It had been a welcome escape at first. A place to start over. To try and forget. But she had never really forgotten and her nightmares caught up with her soon enough.

Looking around, she felt the walls were drenched in them. They screamed her own loneliness back at her. Much like the walls in Alexandria had. And the abandoned building she'd stayed in after Rick had sent her away.

Carol marveled that she had once thought she was lonely being with Ed. In truth she hadn't known what loneliness truly was. Losing her daughter. Losing the only family she had known since she was a girl. Losing Lizzie and Mica... _That_ was real loneliness.

The weight of that emptiness had followed her since she'd lost the prison, her last real home. She wondered if she would ever feel that again. That feeling of belonging. Or was loneliness the price she had to pay for all she'd done in this life.

She could only hope that helping Maggie with the baby would be the change she'd been longing for. That maybe she could put some of this pain behind her and feed that part of her starving soul.

XXXXX

At some point in the night, Carol woke up. Violently shaking and covered in sweat, gasping for air. It took several minutes to calm herself down. She was used to the terrible dreams by now, but this one had been really bad.

She couldn't remember details, but she knew it involved Sophia. And Ed. Screams. And betrayal.

She had a horrible time trying to shake the dream off of her enough to feel like she could go back to sleep. She once again wished she wasn't alone. Being alone was always harder at night. Sometimes it was completely unbearable.

She did find sleep eventually, but not without sobbing. Not without bathing herself in regret and aching for Sophia.

XXXXX

 _Daryl finds himself running through the woods at night. He is weaponless and there's a herd of walkers on his heels. He swears at times they touch him, but he always remains a few seconds ahead._

 _He finds a gray house in a clearing. He prays it's empty and runs headlong into it. Making it inside just in time, he quickly shoves whatever furniture he can find to block the door. Walkers bang and growl outside, desperate to get to him._

 _He backs into the living room slowly as, one by one, the walkers disappear. The room goes eerily quiet and it twists a knot in his stomach. He then hears a familiar voice behind him and his blood runs cold with a different kind of terror._

 _"Whatchu doin' here, boy?"_

 _He spins around to face his father as the room around him shifts into the living room of the house where he was a small child. He is frozen in place. Cornered. Vulnerable. Exposed._

 _"Asked you a question, boy. You best be answering."_

 _His father's voice is threatening but Daryl doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't know why he's here and the fear pumping through his blood makes it impossible for him to think._

 _It doesn't matter that he's a grown man now. It doesn't matter that part of his brain knows that this is a dream, that his father has been dead for years. William Dixon remains his deepest fear. And nothing is ever going to change that._

 _Glaring at him angrily, the father lifts himself out of the chair he's occupied and slowly walks towards his son. Daryl can see a switch in his hand and he knows what's coming._

 _He braces himself for the beating, squeezing his eyes tight. But it never comes. He hears the switch snap through the air. And God, will he ever be able to forget that sound?_ _But it never hits him._

 _He opens his eyes to see his father covered in blood, repeatedly bringing his weapon down to a lump of a human on the floor next to him._

 _It's only then he sees that what he thought was a switch in his father's hand is actually a bat. A bat that he's all too familiar with. It's also when he realizes who the person on the ground is._

 _"Stop!" he yells. But it's pointless. His father is in a fit of rage and continues to swing, always meeting his target with a sickening sound drudged up from Daryl's subconscious._

 _He doesn't care that he's weaponless. Or that he's putting himself in danger of being hit himself. He drops to his knees, a sob in his throat. "Glenn," he cries, his voice broken. His throat a wreck._

 _"You shoulda died instead," his father speaks behind him. "You shouldn't be here, boy."_

 _Daryl is sobbing. Repeating Glenn's name over and over like a prayer that will never be answered._

 _"You'll pay for this." It's the last thing he hears before that bat makes contact with his shoulder._

XXXXX

Daryl's body was jolted awake. Rigid and tense. His scars were on fire and his shoulder ached.

He found himself shivering in the darkness of his trailer, trying desperately to shake to the image of Glenn behind his eyes. But it was seared into his brain. And it always would be.

His throat was raw and his eyes were wet. Unlike Carol, he did not go back to sleep and instead laid awake, staring at the ceiling.

As the night neared dawn, he gave up, disappearing into the woods. He told himself he was clearing his thoughts. But really he was running. Always, always running.


End file.
